Shadow and Sanctuary Reflection
This article came from a deeply rooted—and if I’m honest, a bit painful—shadow session I did this morning. It’s a topic that’s been weighing heavily on my heart, pressing itself into my thoughts and emotions in a way I couldn’t ignore. So it felt only right to share it as today’s Shadow and Sanctuary reflection.
Because so many of the articles, blogs, and posts you see about one-sided relationships focus on the obvious—how to recognize when someone is taking you for granted. They offer lists of red flags, tips on spotting the taker, and warnings about toxic dynamics. And while that information is valid, rarely do they dive into the heart of the matter: what it actually feels like to be the giver in that type of relationship.
Today, we’re getting into it.
Because being the giver isn’t just about noticing someone else’s lack of effort—it’s about reckoning with your own patterns, your own exhaustion, and your own sense of worth. It’s about realizing you’ve been carrying the emotional load for two, often without acknowledgment or appreciation. This is where we need to pause and reflect on the emotional toll it takes.
The weight of being the giver can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout. Often, givers find themselves questioning their own value, wondering if their efforts have ever truly mattered. It’s an isolating experience, one that can leave you feeling unseen and unappreciated, even in relationships where you have invested so much.
And it doesn’t just happen in romantic partnerships. It can show up anywhere—with friends, family, coworkers, community members, even in spiritual or creative circles. Imagine attending a group meeting where you consistently contribute ideas and support yet find that others take advantage of your kindness. The moments when your input is disregarded or overlooked can be deeply disheartening.
This conversation is essential not only for those who identify as givers but also for those who might not realize the impact their actions have on others. It opens up a dialogue about reciprocity and balance in relationships, pushing for a more equitable exchange of energy and respect.
Recognizing the unbalanced nature of these dynamics is the first step towards self-empowerment. It involves setting boundaries, learning to prioritize your own needs, and understanding that it’s not selfish to seek acknowledgment and appreciation in return. Change begins when we clearly express our needs and advocate for ourselves within our relationships, fostering environments where mutual respect thrives.
Let this reflection be a reminder to us all: it’s crucial to nurture not only others but also ourselves in the process. The journey through one-sided dynamics is not simply about identifying issues; it’s about empowering ourselves and advocating for healthy connections.
A Personal Note from Me
As someone who is a giver, I often find myself looking deeply into the relationships I have. I’m constantly checking the emotional temperature, asking myself: Am I doing too much again? Is this balanced? Am I being valued here—or just tolerated?
And if I’m being honest, that awareness comes from deep, layered places. Because of early childhood traumas—and traumas that persisted well beyond childhood—I’ve had to teach myself not to spiral into rejection sensitivity. It’s a challenge. One I still face.
All my life, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be liked, loved, and cared for. My father abandoned me and then died before I ever got the chance to see him again. That loss—that unresolved wound—has fueled so much of how I’ve approached relationships. I used to cling to people like my life depended on it, seeing the connection they could be, instead of what they actually were. I held on too tightly, chasing closeness and holding space long past the point of burnout.
But now, as an adult, I get overwhelmed. Exhausted. And frankly? I get pissed off when people don’t try. When they don’t show up, don’t match energy, and don’t invest even a fraction of what I’m putting in, it triggers a deep-seated frustration within me. This strong desire for reciprocity and genuine effort is rooted in my past experiences, shaping my expectations and responses in present relationships.
I’ve learned to draw boundaries—though I’ll admit, sticking to them can still be hard. Especially when being an empath comes into play. I feel things deeply, and my instinct is always to help, to heal, to hold space. However, the urge—the drive—to foster relationships at the cost of myself has started to fade as I recognize the importance of self-preservation and the need to prioritize my own well-being.
Why? Because I’ve found peace in what I do have.
I am in a marriage that gives me everything I need. My spouse is someone who actively engages with me, creating a nurturing environment where we both thrive. I have a strong relationship with my adult children, who understand me and reciprocate the love and support I offer. Additionally, my bond with my only remaining parent, while complex, provides me with a sense of connection and history that I cherish.
That’s enough. Siblings? That’s a story for another day, one that I’m still navigating. And when it comes to friendships, I’ve always had a small circle. Making new friends doesn’t come easy for me, so the ones I do have, I try to love with intention and admiration. I make a conscious effort to show up for them, recognizing that our time together is precious and should not be taken for granted. However, I also recognize now that I’ve often given too much of myself to them, pouring my energy into their lives while neglecting my own needs in the process.
And that? That’s something I’m still unlearning. Understanding the balance between giving and receiving is a constant journey—one that I’m working on each day. It’s about understanding my worth and not allowing my past to dictate my future relationship dynamics. It’s a process that requires patience, self-reflection, and sometimes, a strategic step back to evaluate who truly deserves my time and energy. As I continue this journey, I hope to cultivate relationships that are mutually fulfilling, where love and respect flow both ways without anyone feeling drained or undervalued.
Why Does This Happen?
Some of us become the givers because we were raised to be peacekeepers, taught from an early age that harmony and emotional stability are paramount. This upbringing shapes our interactions and creates a deep-rooted belief that if we absorb the distress of those around us, we can create a safer space for everyone involved. Some of us learned that love is something we earn, not something that should be mutual. This perspective may stem from experiences where affection felt conditional, leading us to associate love with our actions and sacrifices rather than as a natural, reciprocal exchange. And some of us simply have such full hearts that we mistake enabling for connection. We feel an overwhelming desire to support others, sometimes to the detriment of our own well-being, believing that our relentless giving is a testament to our love.
But no matter how noble your intentions, love—real, sustaining love—requires balance. It thrives in an environment where both parties feel seen, heard, and valued. One person cannot carry the emotional weight of two without eventually succumbing to exhaustion or resentment. True love flourishes when it is nurtured by mutual respect and shared responsibilities, allowing both individuals to contribute equally to the emotional landscape of their relationship. Only then can love grow robust and resilient, capable of withstanding life’s inevitable challenges. This symbiotic relationship creates a foundation where both partners can thrive independently, yet also come together to support one another in a meaningful and nurturing way. Hence, it is crucial to recognize the importance of balance in love; both partners must feel empowered to give and receive, forging a deeper and more fulfilling connection.
What Can You Do?
- Pause and Reflect: Ask yourself honestly—how does this relationship make me feel after I leave it? Energized, or emptied?
- Communicate Openly: Sometimes people don’t know they’re taking more than they give. Speak your truth with love. You might say:
- “I feel like I’m always reaching out. I need a little more effort from you to feel balanced in this friendship.”
- “Lately, our connection feels one-sided. Can we talk about how we both show up for each other?”
- Set Clear Boundaries: Decide what you will and won’t accept going forward. Boundaries aren’t punishments—they’re protection.
- Give Yourself Permission to Step Back: If you’ve had the conversation and nothing changes, it’s okay to walk away—or to let the relationship fade without guilt.
- Focus On You: Redirect the energy you’ve been pouring outward, inward. Pour into your healing, your hobbies, your joy, your growth. Givers often forget that they too deserve to receive.
When Is It Time to Let Go?
You know deep down. That quiet ache? The subtle dread when you see their name pop up on your phone? The way your smile feels forced when you’re with them? That’s your spirit whispering that you’ve outgrown the hurt and maybe even the relationship itself.
Letting go doesn’t always mean slamming the door shut—it can mean loosening your grip, softening your energy, and allowing space. If the bond is real, it will meet you halfway. If not, that space will fill with something far more aligned: peace.
🌑 Shadow & Sanctuary: Shadow Work Journaling Spread
🖤 CHECKLIST: Am I in a One-Sided Relationship?
Check all that apply:
- I often initiate contact, and if I stop reaching out, we stop communicating.
- I feel emotionally drained after engaging with this person.
- My needs are often overlooked or dismissed.
- I feel guilty when I try to set boundaries.
- They mainly reach out when they need something.
- I shrink or silence myself to avoid conflict.
- I feel unseen, unheard, or unappreciated in this connection.
- I stay because of history, not present-day energy.
- I’m afraid to let go of the “potential” of the relationship.
- This dynamic reminds me of a childhood wound or unmet need.
3 or more boxes checked? This relationship may be one-sided and affecting your energy and self-worth.
These relationships slowly eat away at your self-worth, convincing you that love or loyalty means endurance at your own expense.
🕯 Shadow Work Journal Prompts
Take your time. Sit in a quiet space. Breathe deeply. Write freely and honestly.
- What emotions come up when I feel unseen or unreciprocated in a relationship?
- Where in my past have I experienced abandonment, rejection, or emotional neglect?
- How might those wounds be shaping the way I give and receive love today?
- What am I afraid will happen if I stop giving so much of myself?
- What does a healthy, balanced relationship feel like to me? Describe it.
- Who currently shows up for me consistently and without condition? How can I nurture those bonds?
✨ Affirmation for the Giver’s Healing Heart
“I honor the love I’ve given others. I now return that love to myself.
I release the need to prove my worth through giving.
I am worthy of care, connection, and peace simply because I exist.”
Say this aloud. Repeat it often. Let it settle into your spirit.
🌿 Tip:
Pair this journaling spread with a calming herbal tea (try lavender, lemon balm, or rose) and light a candle to support you in your reflection. Let this be a sanctuary moment, just for you.
Final Thoughts
You are allowed to outgrow people. You are allowed to require reciprocity. You are allowed to choose peace over performance. Being a giver is beautiful—but only when it’s balanced by love, respect, and care that flows both ways. It’s essential to acknowledge that as we evolve in our personal journeys, some relationships may no longer serve us or align with our values and aspirations.
In this season of reflection and growth, prioritize your well-being and happiness. Remember, it’s not selfish to seek reciprocal relationships where support, understanding, and kindness are mutual. By establishing healthy boundaries, you not only safeguard your own peace but also create a space for authentic connections with others who respect and value you.
Make yourself the one you give to most. Cultivating self-love and care allows you to recharge and empowers you to engage with the world from a place of strength. It’s okay to take a step back, reassess your relationships, and surround yourself with those who uplift you. This intentional practice will lead to deeper, more fulfilling interactions and ultimately, a richer life experience. Embrace the journey of growth with an open heart and mind.
Your Shadow & Sanctuary journaling spread PDF
Much love and many blessings,
Mrs. B
Luna-Owl.com | @Luna.Ancestry | #ShadowAndSanctuary
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