When Your Brain Won’t Let Go: Living with ADHD, PMDD, OCD… and Fibro Fog: Did I mention I am a mess?
“My mind is both my sanctuary and my battleground. Some days I am a prisoner to it; other days, I am its champion.”
Living with ADHD, PMDD, and OCD together isn’t just chaotic — it’s a full-blown, never-ending internal war. Now toss in Fibromyalgia brain fog to that already building storm? Some days, it feels like I’m barely clinging to reality, as though I’m navigating through a thick haze where clarity seems like a distant dream, constantly evading my grasp.
The weight of this mental turmoil feels like a heavy shroud that envelops me, making even the simplest tasks insurmountable. When I attempt to focus on something urgent, I find myself grappling with distractions that seem to emerge from every corner of my mind, morphing my thoughts into an overwhelming cacophony.
Some days it literally feels like I’m going crazy, each thought spiraling into a dizzying loop that consumes my energy and leaves me exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
And honestly? I sometimes wonder if my family feels it too, if they can sense the heaviness that lingers like a shadow, casting doubts over our interactions and pulling at the seams of our relationships.
Am I a hindrance? Am I unlovable? Am I impossible to live with some days?
These are the thoughts my brain obsesses over daily — and they’ve been with me since I was little, haunting me in moments of stillness and crashing down when I least expect it, often in the quiet of the night when everything else fades away.
The rejection sensitivity is real. The doubt is real. The storm is real. It feels like an unending cycle of questioning my worth, longing for understanding, and searching for moments of peace that often seem just out of reach, as if they’re teasing me from a distance, always just a step away. It’s exhausting to perpetually chase the semblance of normalcy, while deep down, my heart craves acceptance and a sigh of relief from the chaos that defines my day-to-day existence.
The Battle Between Inability to Concentrate… and Over-Concentration That Consumes
One of the cruel ironies is that I either can’t concentrate at all — my mind scattering in a hundred directions like a broken compass — or I hyperfocus so intensely on one thought, one idea, one task, that it becomes an obsession I can’t break.
And I don’t mean a cute “Oh, I really love this!” kind of obsession. I mean the kind that hijacks your brain, wrapping around your thoughts like an unrelenting vine that stifles the air around it.
The kind where you can’t stop thinking about it — not for a minute, not even when you know it’s irrational or even damaging, as it consumes your every waking hour and often invades your dreams, leaving you bewildered and exhausted. It’s an all-encompassing fixation that clouds your judgment, blurs the line between desire and need, creating a vortex of emotion that pulls you deeper into its grip, rendering you powerless to escape its hold.
It’s like when you get a song stuck in your head — but imagine it’s a command your brain has decided you must fulfill or else. And it loops endlessly, like a relentless echo in the chambers of your mind.
For days. Sometimes months. Sometimes years. Each time it plays, it fills your thoughts with a sense of urgency and pressure, demanding your attention and action, almost as if it’s a task you cannot escape. You find yourself pondering the consequences of ignoring this mental directive, weighing your options, and grappling with the anxiety that comes from procrastination. The original melody may fade, but the sense of obligation remains, transforming your cognitive landscape into a maze where every turn leads back to that stubborn refrain.
Sometimes, even giving in to the action, the thought, or the compulsion does not always make it go away; in fact, it can often lead to a deeper entanglement in our emotions or desires, causing us to spiral further into confusion or frustration. Every time we yield to that momentary urge, it becomes a bit harder to resist the next time. As a result, what may initially seem like a harmless release transforms into a cycle of dependency that is difficult to break. This creates a paradox where the very act of surrendering becomes a source of greater distress, leaving us questioning whether conceding was the right choice or simply an invitation for the problem to grow more pronounced. Sometimes, it actually makes it worse, leading to feelings of guilt and regret that linger long after the moment has passed.
Then on the flip side, we have the song or the phrase that never leaves the brain; if you hear it, you have to listen to it in its entirety, or you find it lodged firmly in your mental soundtrack, playing on a perpetual loop that can last for days and sometimes even months, like an unwanted guest that overstays its welcome. This relentless replay can evoke nostalgia or frustration, depending on the association you have with the tune. Living forever on your Brain Radio top 100 hits and annoyances!
Then, there are the phrases, those snippets of conversation or lyrical fragments that people utter in half-finished stanzas, which can drive you absolutely mad when they don’t use the whole quote. In those moments, the urge to complete the thought becomes overwhelming, and out of sheer compulsion, you blurt out the rest of the phrase without thinking, almost as if your brain is trying to reclaim a sense of order from the chaos of incomplete ideas, creating a funny yet slightly awkward situation that often leaves both you and the speaker in delighted laughter or puzzled looks.
Executive Dysfunction: Why can’t I get anything done?
Executive Dysfunction: What is this?
Executive dysfunction refers to the impairments in cognitive processes required for goal-directed behavior, significantly impacting an individual’s ability to plan, organize, strategize, remember details, and manage time and space effectively. This condition can manifest in various ways, making daily tasks overwhelming or unmanageable.
For example, a person may struggle to start projects, break tasks into smaller, more achievable steps, or even follow through on commitments. Some common causes of executive dysfunction include neurological disorders such as ADHD, traumatic brain injuries, or other mental health conditions. Understanding executive dysfunction is crucial as it can greatly influence personal relationships, educational performance, and workplace productivity, necessitating tailored support and coping strategies to help individuals navigate their challenges successfully.
Personal side of things:
Over the years, I have had many relationships where this has cost me the relationship or put a severe strain on it, including those from my childhood, where misunderstandings and miscommunications often arose, leaving both parties feeling hurt and distanced. These experiences have taught me the delicate balance of trust and vulnerability, and as I navigate through adult friendships and connections, I find myself reflecting on those early lessons and how they continue to shape my interactions today. It has become increasingly clear that not addressing underlying issues can lead to patterns of conflict that are difficult to break, ultimately affecting the depth and quality of the relationships I cherish.
Side Note: I hyper-focused and wrote it today…. You can read more about it here and how it affects people with ADHD & OCD:
Intrusive Thoughts: The Uninvited Guests That Never Leave
Then there are the intrusive thoughts. What exactly are those?
Dark, cruel, bizarre thoughts that show up uninvited, whispering things you don’t want to hear. These unwelcome guests infiltrate your mind at the most unexpected times, catching you off guard. You know they’re not real. You know they don’t define who you are. But still… they linger, an unwelcome presence that seems to take root.
They fester. It’s as if they thrive on your attempts to ignore them, growing stronger while you battle to maintain control. The more you try to push them away, the more tangled in them you become. You’re caught in a relentless cycle of resistance, feeling both frustrated and helpless against your own thoughts.
You start questioning yourself. You wonder: “Am I safe from my own mind?” The very essence of who you are becomes clouded by these intrusive images and ideas. You may find yourself reflecting on moments when those thoughts burst forth, unexpectedly derailing your day or reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.
You might feel isolated, as if no one else can understand the weight of these thoughts. Friends and family may not seem aware of the dark corners of your mind where these thoughts reside, leaving you with a sense of solitude. Yet, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone in this struggle; many face similar battles.
Seeking understanding and support can illuminate the truth behind these thoughts, empowering you to confront and challenge them rather than allowing them to dictate your reality. Embracing this journey towards self-acceptance and awareness is crucial. It can help to remind yourself that thoughts alone do not shape your fate; instead, your actions and responses to these thoughts define who you truly are.
But when is it an intrusive thought, and or, when is it time to seek medical help? Intrusive thoughts can be distressing and often leave individuals questioning the nature and severity of their experiences. These thoughts, which might involve fears of harm, inappropriate actions, or troubling images, can occasionally feel overwhelming and persistent. Recognizing the difference between common, fleeting thoughts and those that disrupt daily functioning is crucial. If the thoughts are causing significant distress, affecting one’s ability to concentrate, or leading to avoidance behaviors, it may be an indicator that professional support is needed. Seeking guidance from a mental health professional can provide clarity, coping strategies, and reassurance in navigating these challenging experiences, ultimately promoting better emotional well-being.
“Mental battles are silent. Only the strongest will ever hear the sound of their own survival.”
Hormonal Chaos: PMDD Throws Gasoline on the Fire
Now, stir in PMDD. What exactly is that? PMDD, or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome that affects a small percentage of menstruating individuals. It is characterized by significant emotional and physical symptoms that can disrupt daily life, including intense mood swings, irritability, and debilitating physical discomfort. Understanding PMDD is crucial for those who experience it, as recognizing the signs can lead to effective management strategies and treatment options that can greatly improve quality of life during the menstrual cycle.
As hormonal shifts hit, everything-every little intrusive thought, every obsessive loop, every emotional crack—intensifies. Suddenly, the world feels louder. The obsessions cut deeper. The sadness feels endless. The rage feels volcanic. The fear becomes paralyzing. It is as though the whole body and mind are in hyperdrive. [ This is when I feel I am my most volatile, and why I chose to do an IUD, not only because we were done with having children, but because I need the hormonal stability that it brings.]
It’s not just being “moody.” It’s full-body, full-soul internal combustion, an overwhelming torrent of emotions that engulfs every fiber of your being. And when it happens, you feel trapped inside yourself, watching a version of you you barely recognize trying desperately to survive another day, clawing through the fog of confusion and despair, as if each moment is a battle against an invisible enemy that saps your strength and will to carry on. You yearn for the clarity and ease that once came so naturally, but now they seem like distant memories, lost in the chaos that has become your daily existence.
Fibromyalgia Brain Fog: When Your Brain Betrays You Even Further
But wait, just when you think your mind can’t betray you anymore, Fibro Fog rolls in like a thick, heavy mist.
Suddenly, simple thoughts become impossible to grasp. Words vanish mid-sentence, leaving you stranded in a conversation that seems to lose its meaning. You forget why you walked into a room, leaving you standing there in confusion and frustration. You lose track of time, plans, conversations, and ultimately, life itself, as if everything is slipping through your fingers like sand.
And what does that do? It piles more shame onto the mountain you’re already dragging behind you, an unbearable burden that weighs heavily on your chest. The mere act of trying to focus becomes a monumental task, leading to feelings of inadequacy and defeat. Because when you already can’t trust your mind to cooperate — losing even the clarity you fought so hard for feels like cruel punishment. It’s as if the brain you relied on has become both your ally and your enemy, leaving you to navigate a relentless fog without a map.
This relentless cycle of confusion and frustration often leads to isolation, as it feels daunting to explain to others what you’re experiencing. Friends and family may not understand the struggle, making the sense of loneliness even more acute. In moments of clarity, you might find yourself searching for ways to articulate these experiences, but the words evanesce, adding another layer of frustration to your journey.
You start to question your reality and wonder if you’ll ever reclaim the control you once had over your mind. The momentary clarity that might come and go feels like a cruel joke, and while you long for it, the Fibro Fog seems determined to keep you in its grasp, leaving you to navigate the foggy landscape with little more than hope as your guide.
The Whispered Fears: Am I Too Much?
Underneath all of it, every single day, these whispers play on repeat:
- Am I a burden?
- Am I unlovable?
- Am I too hard to live with?
- Am I ruining everything around me?
This isn’t just insecurity. No, this is the savage reality of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria – A very real part of having severe ADHD and OCD— where every sigh, every moment of frustration from someone you love, feels like confirmation of your deepest fears. It transforms ordinary interactions into emotional landmines, triggering panic as you navigate through your relationships. Each expression of discontent or dissatisfaction looms larger, drowning out any positive affirmations and intensifying feelings of unworthiness. The weight of this emotional turmoil is suffocating, affecting not just your self-esteem but also the dynamics with those around you, often leaving you in a cycle of anxiety and overthinking that seems unbreakable.
Even if they never said it.
Even if they don’t feel it.
Your brain tells you it’s true.
Over. And over. And over.
This is where we can end up in an endless loop of obsessive thoughts, most of which are unfounded and simply untrue in their nature.
So, What’s It Like?
It’s like trying to complete a 5,000-piece puzzle while sirens are screaming, people are flipping the lights on and off, your hands are tied, your body hurts, the air is thick with fog, and everything is either too loud or too quiet — but hey, no pressure, don’t mess up the puzzle!
It’s exhausting. It’s isolating. It’s overwhelming. It’s real. The noise never seems to fade; it follows you everywhere, a constant reminder that peace is just an illusion. The erratic flashes of light disorient you, making it even harder to focus on the task at hand. You find yourself reaching for a piece that you can almost see, but the shadows play tricks on your mind, making it retreat just out of reach.
With each passing moment, the weight of expectation grows heavier. It feels as if the whole world is watching, waiting for you to fail, and the pressure mounts like a suffocating blanket. The fog swirls around you, thickening your thoughts and clouding your clarity. You grasp for understanding, yet it slips away like sand through your fingers.
In this chaotic environment, the simple act of piecing things together becomes a monumental challenge. The pieces don’t seem to fit, and frustration brews beneath the surface. You can’t shake off the feeling that you’re alone in a crowd, desperately trying to make sense of the disarray while seeking that elusive sense of normality. The external noise blends with the internal turmoil, creating a cacophony that drowns out any spark of hope.
Yet, amidst the chaos, glimmers of resilience flicker. You push through the fatigue, reminding yourself that each small victory counts, no matter how trivial it may seem. It’s these moments that keep you going, urging you to find the next piece, to confront the fog, and to overcome the unbearable noise. The fight for clarity continues, a testament to your strength and determination to complete the puzzle, no matter the circumstances that seek to impede you.
Why Am I Sharing This?
Because too many of us live this experience alone and silent, convinced we’re broken, ashamed of what our minds and bodies put us through every day. We often feel like we are trapped in our own thoughts, hiding behind a facade of normalcy, while the internal battles rage on. This solitude can feel overwhelming, creating an isolation that deepens our shame and despair. Yet, we are not alone in our struggles; many silently endure similar feelings, longing for understanding and connection, but fearing vulnerability. It is vital that we begin to share our stories, breaking the silence that binds us, and recognizing that our struggles do not define us but rather connect us to one another in a shared humanity.
But if you live this too, I need you to hear me loud and clear:
- You are not broken. You are merely on a journey of growth, learning, and discovery, integrating all experiences to become stronger and wiser.
- You are not unlovable; you possess unique qualities and strengths that make you worthy of love and connection with others.
- You are not too much. You are just the right amount of amazing, unique, and perfectly you.
You are fighting battles every single day that most people don’t even see — and you are still here, pushing through the challenges that threaten to hold you back. Still trying, despite the setbacks that may come your way, you continue to rise with determination. Still loving, pouring your heart into relationships that nourish your soul and inspire those around you. Still hoping, with an unwavering belief that brighter days are just around the corner, waiting for you to embrace them. Still standing, embodying resilience that showcases your strength and fortitude, reminding us all that the human spirit is capable of extraordinary feats, no matter how invisible the struggle may be to others.
And that matters more than anyone who hasn’t lived it will ever know.
Some days, survival is the victory, a testament to our resilience and strength in the face of adversity.
Other days, joy finds a crack to slip through, illuminating our darkest moments with glimmers of hope and laughter. Both are real experiences that shape our journey; both are worth fighting for with every ounce of our being. In the struggle for existence, we discover the depths of our spirit, and in the moments of joy, we unearth the beauty of connection and love that sustains us. These contrasting emotions remind us that life is a complex tapestry, woven from threads of hardship and happiness, each contributing to our unique story.
Much love and many blessings,
Mrs. B
PS: If your thoughts ever get too dark or result in you thinking or obsessing over self-harm in any way, please reach out to your safe person, seek medical help, and let someone you trust help you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, LOVES.
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