(Especially as an adult)
Let’s talk about boundaries.
Not just setting them—but keeping them.
If you’re neurodivergent like me—ADHD, Autistic, or beautifully both—you probably know that boundaries are not just tools of self-care. They’re survival.
They’re how we keep our nervous systems from imploding.
They’re how we reclaim space from the chaos.
They’re how we protect our peace, our energy, our healing.
And yet…
Even when we know a boundary is necessary—especially when we know it—we still struggle to maintain it.
Why? Because sometimes, holding the boundary hurts more than letting it go.
Especially when that boundary involves people you’ve known and loved for a long time.
It’s the emotional weight of trying to assert your needs against the backdrop of deep-rooted relationships that can make boundary-setting feel like an uphill battle. The fear of rejection, misunderstood intentions, or the possibility of losing a connection can often cloud our judgment. We might think, “Is it worth it?” or “What if they don’t understand?” The very act of maintaining your boundaries can evoke guilt and anxiety, pulling you back into the familiar chaos you’re trying to escape.
Moreover, the pressure to please others can lead to self-neglect, making it even harder to stand firm in your decisions. You may find yourself second-guessing or even reshaping your own needs in an attempt to keep the peace. This cycle not only depletes your energy but can also hinder your healing process, trapping you in a pattern that feels both familiar and stifling.
As we navigate the complexity of our relationships, it’s essential to remember that boundary maintenance is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It requires self-compassion and patience, recognizing that it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. In moments of doubt or struggle, returning to the reasons why you set those boundaries in the first place can serve as a reminder of their importance.
In this journey, it’s crucial to communicate openly about your boundaries. While it might feel daunting, explaining your needs can foster understanding and support from those around you. It can also empower you to reclaim your narrative, ensuring that your voice is heard amidst whatever chaos may ensue.
Ultimately, learning to keep boundaries is an ongoing process, especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. It acknowledges the tension between self-care and social connection, a balance that we must continually negotiate. Embracing this complexity, we can begin to see boundaries as not just lines we draw, but as vital components of a life lived authentically and with purpose.
1. When the Bond is Deep, the Break Feels Devastating
Let’s be honest: setting boundaries is hard enough when it involves acquaintances or newer connections. But when the person has been in your life for years—a family member, a lifelong friend, a mentor—it gets infinitely harder.
Because you’re not just setting a boundary with them.
You’re grieving what was.
You’re confronting the truth that the relationship might not be what you thought—or that you’re not who you used to be.
Even when you know, deep in your soul, that something about the dynamic isn’t healthy anymore…
Even when your body tenses up every time they call, text, or show up…
Even when your nervous system is screaming this is too much…
There’s still that tiny, stubborn ache:
“But I love them.”
“But we’ve been through so much.”
“But they’ve always been in my life.”
We cling to the comfort of familiarity, even when it’s slowly eroding our peace. These relationships can evoke a complex mix of emotions—a sense of obligation, nostalgia, and even fear of the unknown. It’s as if you’re walking a tightrope, balancing your need for self-preservation against the deep-rooted connections that have been part of your life’s fabric for so long.
In moments when you’re trying to articulate your needs, the fear of rejection or loss looms large. You might wonder if expressing your feelings will lead to disappointment or conflict. It’s not just about setting boundaries; it’s about dismantling the image of what you believed your relationship to be. The fear of hurting the other person can feel overwhelming, as can the worry about losing the bond that has been built over years of shared experiences and memories.
As you navigate this emotional landscape, it can help to remind yourself that setting boundaries is a form of self-care. A necessary step towards preserving your well-being, even when it feels counterintuitive. You’re not just closing the door on the relationship; you’re opening a window to a healthier dynamic, one that allows room for growth and understanding—both for yourself and for the other person involved.
Acknowledging your own needs, even when they clash with the expectations of someone you care about deeply, is a courageous act. It’s an invitation to redefine the relationship in a way that acknowledges both your history and your current reality. You might find that, in the long run, this difficult process leads to deeper honesty, respect, and potentially even a stronger connection, based on mutual understanding and support.
Ultimately, embracing this change can be liberating. It allows you to step into a new phase of relationships, where honesty and authenticity take precedence over obligation and fear. You might find that, although the process feels painful now, it’s possible to move forward with love that honors both what was and what can still be.
2. RSD: Rejection Sensitivity on Full Blast
Enforcing a boundary—especially one that shifts the relationship—can trigger deep, spiraling rejection sensitivity. It often feels like walking a tightrope between maintaining our own well-being and protecting the emotional states of those we care about.
We fear hurting them. The thought of causing someone pain can be unbearable, especially when we value the connection we have with them. It leads to a profound internal conflict: our needs versus their feelings.
We fear being misunderstood. In our efforts to articulate why we must uphold a boundary, there’s always the nagging worry that our intentions may not be perceived accurately. What if they interpret our actions as a personal attack rather than a self-care strategy?
We fear being seen as selfish or cruel or “too much.” Society often imposes a narrative that prioritizes the needs of others at the expense of our own, leaving us in a bind. The voice in our head reminds us that drawing a line could classify us as overdramatic or uncaring.
And that fear can override everything else—even our safety. We may ignore our gut feelings and intuition, choosing instead to contort ourselves into what we believe will be more palatable for others. The internal struggle takes its toll, creating a whirlpool of anxiety that often sees us sacrificing our own mental health.
I’ve caught myself softening boundaries I desperately needed, just to keep the peace. Just to avoid the stomach-sick dread of someone being disappointed in me. Each time I do this, I’m reminded of the fragile balance we navigate—the one where our desire for harmony can unintentionally lead to our own emotional unraveling. The effects can be insidious, often leaving us feeling depleted and resentful, yet we soldier on in hopes of fostering understanding and connection.
3. Masking and People-Pleasing Don’t Go Away Just Because We’re Grown
If you’ve spent a lifetime learning how to be palatable, small, or emotionally accommodating just to survive…
Then suddenly deciding, “I’m going to hold this boundary now” doesn’t come easy. The battle within can feel overwhelming as you wrestle with the ingrained patterns of behavior that have sustained you for so long. Each time you set a boundary, it’s as if you’re tearing away at the very fabric of your identity—an identity molded by the need to please, to conform, and to disregard your own needs for the sake of others.
In fact, it feels like you’re betraying everything you were taught. You’ve been the one to make it work in difficult situations, the one who internalized the notion that your value is contingent upon your ability to appease.
To forgive.
To swallow the discomfort.
To say yes, even when it cost you everything—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This behavior may have served as a protective mechanism, a way to navigate through a world that often feels antagonistic towards your true self.
So when you start to say no, it feels foreign. Dangerous. Lonely. You find yourself questioning every instinct and rationalizing your feelings, worrying about the ripple effects that your newfound assertiveness may have on your relationships. You may grapple with guilt, thinking about how your change could upset the fragile balance you’ve maintained for so long. The fear of conflict or disapproval can be stifling, leaving you with a profound sense of isolation, even from those you care about deeply.
Even though it’s the right thing. Even though it’s what you need. This journey of honoring your boundaries is not just about saying no; it’s about rediscovering your sense of self and reclaiming the power that has been silently surrendered over the years. It requires courage—courage to disappoint others, courage to face your fears, and courage to stand tall in your own truth. Remember, it’s a process. Each step towards establishing boundaries is a victory, paving the way for a more authentic and fulfilling life.
4. Executive Dysfunction Makes Even Simple Boundaries Feel Like Climbing Everest
Sometimes, it’s not even the emotional labor that gets us—it’s the logistics.
Holding a boundary might mean writing a difficult message, cancelling a call, initiating a tough conversation, or reworking your schedule, each of which can feel overwhelming, especially in the moment.
The mere thought of having to confront uncomfortable situations can cause anxiety to spike, leading us to procrastinate or avoid the task altogether.
And if your executive functioning is already on the floor? That feels insurmountable. It’s like trying to climb a mountain made of molasses; every step forward is met with resistance, and the weight of your responsibilities can be paralyzing.
In those times, managing even the simplest of tasks becomes a Herculean effort, leaving us feeling defeated before we even begin.
So what’s the answer?
Honestly? There isn’t one single fix.
But I’ll tell you what I’ve learned:
Every time I hold a boundary, even when it hurts—
Even when it leaves me shaking or grieving or riddled with doubt—
I’m choosing myself.
I’m choosing my healing.
I’m choosing the future version of me who no longer self-abandons to keep the peace.
Each moment that I stand firm, I am sending a powerful message to both myself and the world: my well-being is important. It’s a radical act of self-love, one that might feel uncomfortable at times, but I am learning that discomfort can be a sign of growth. By standing by my boundaries, I am fostering an environment where I can thrive without compromising my core values.
And I have to remind myself of this daily:
Just because someone has always been in your life doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay there forever.
Especially if staying means shrinking. Especially if love becomes conditional, or if the price of the relationship is your authenticity.
This realization can be liberating. It encourages introspection and pushes me to evaluate my relationships. Are they nourishing my spirit or draining my energy? Is my presence valued, or am I just filling a space? Embracing this mindset opens the door to healthier connections that honor my truest self.
Letting go might feel hard, and it might bring up feelings of grief, but it’s essential to remember that every end holds the potential for a new beginning. Trusting that I am capable of forging meaningful connections that align with my values is a vital part of this journey. It’s okay to walk away from the things that don’t serve me well. In doing so, I create room for the relationships that will empower and uplift me.
🌀 Affirmation for Boundaries & Self-Trust
“I honor the boundaries I set, even when they hurt. I am not responsible for managing others’ emotions—I am responsible for protecting my peace. My needs are sacred, and I choose to stand in my truth without apology.”
📓 Journal Prompt:
“What am I afraid will happen if I enforce this boundary?”
Use this prompt to dive beneath the surface. Ask yourself:
- Who taught me that saying “no” was unsafe?
- What have I gained or lost by letting boundaries slide in the past?
- What version of me is emerging when I hold this boundary anyway?
Let the answers be messy. Let them be raw. This is where the real rewiring begins.
🔥 Simple Cord-Cutting Ritual for Releasing Old Attachments
Purpose:
To release emotional cords that keep you tethered to people, habits, or dynamics that are no longer aligned with your highest self.
This ritual honors the grief and courage required to let go.
What you’ll need:
- A black candle (protection & release) or white candle (universal clarity)
- A piece of twine, string, or thread (can represent the energetic cord)
- Two small pieces of paper and a pen
- A fire-safe dish or cauldron
- Optional: rosemary or bay leaf for cleansing
🔮 The Ritual
- Set the space
Cleanse your space with smoke, sound, or water. Sit in stillness and call in your guides, ancestors, or higher self to support you. - Name the attachment
On the first piece of paper, write the name of the person or dynamic you are releasing. Be honest. This could be:- A person who no longer honors your boundaries
- A version of yourself who kept people close out of fear
- An emotional pattern like people-pleasing or guilt
- Name your intention
On the second piece of paper, write what you are making space for instead:- “Peace in my nervous system.”
- “Friendships built on mutual respect.”
- “The courage to choose myself.”
- Bind the cord
Tie the string around the two papers—symbolically connecting your past to your future. Sit with it for a moment. Visualize the cord between you and this person or energy. - Burn and release
Light your candle. Say aloud:”I thank you for the lessons. I honor the path we’ve shared. But now, I reclaim my power. This cord no longer serves me. I release it with love, and I return to myself.”Burn the string and the paper with the attachment in your fire-safe dish.
Keep or bury the intention paper as a sigil of your commitment. - Close the space
Wash your hands. Breathe deeply. Anoint yourself with oil or water.
Whisper:”It is done. I am free.”
Optional Follow-Up:
Place your intention paper on your altar, inside your journal, or under your pillow for seven nights. Let your dreams and body speak. Listen closely.
If you’re struggling with this too—please hear me:
You’re not weak for having a hard time.
You’re not wrong for wanting to be loved and respected.
You’re not selfish for needing space, clarity, or quiet.
This work is heavy—but it’s also holy.
Boundaries are sacred spells of self-protection, guardians that allow you to define who you are, what you want, and how you wish to be treated. They serve as a roadmap for your journey toward personal growth and emotional well-being.
Let them stand.
Even when it hurts.
Especially when it hurts.
Because the struggle is part of the process, and acknowledging your needs is a testament to your strength. Every time you assert your boundaries, you reinforce your self-worth and send a powerful message to both yourself and others: you are valuable, and your feelings matter.
You are allowed to grow beyond what no longer nourishes you.
Embrace the discomfort that accompanies change, and remember that releasing toxic relationships and environments can lead to profound healing. It’s important to seek out connections that uplift and support you, creating a space where you can thrive.
Harness the courage to draw the line; it is not just a mark of separation, but an invitation to flourish in a place filled with love, respect, and peace. Your journey is uniquely yours, and you have the right to shape it in a way that truly reflects who you are.
Much love and many blessings,
Mrs. B
🖤✨
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